Don't Be Silly, Wrap Your Willy.
I had established at this point in my newfound career that not a lot could surprise me. I had been thrown 1000 different curve balls and managed to dodge each and every one of them with ease.
That was until Katie appeared in the office one day holding a positive pregnancy test.
“Can you see that? There’s two lines, right?”
“That’s correct...” I wasn’t sure whether to question her on the paternity at this point. It actually wasn’t my job to play Maury Povich so I let her do the talking.
“I swear I use a condom with all of my clients” she continued, “I don’t know how this can happen.”
Without wanting to divulge too far into grade 6 Sex Ed, I asked her if she knew how babies are made.
She scoffed, as what I said was more insulting than her implying she had conceived a baby via Immaculate Conception.
“Ok so there’s only one client I’ve ever done it without a condom with.”
Well there’s your answer champion.
“You know Pete, that young guy?” She asked as if I didn’t know.
“Yeah, he got married not long ago and he has two daughters” please, I know these guys lives inside out.
“Yeah. Him. The baby has to be his.”
“Well isn’t he lucky!”
I was actually pretty annoyed at this point. Not because she was pregnant or because she was a bit of a dumbass. I was annoyed that, to this day, sex workers STILL take the risk and furthermore CLIENTS still take the risk. I understand when you have a major boner and the blood is pumping so hard you can’t think straight that sometimes it’s hard to make good decisions.... but guys.... please... Switch on.
I was also pretty annoyed that one of my most popular hookers was now up the duff and I was first to hear about it and therefore first in line to deal with it.
I stopped doing what I was doing and swung around to face her. “Katie.... you need to work out what you’re going to do.” I was pretty frustrated but I forced myself to be kind.
“I’m here for you, anything you need.” I told her, initially with sincerity. I later realised that one line would come back and bite me hard on the ass.
A few days passed and Katie was still making a roaring trade. I look back now and I’m impressed she was able to work under the circumstances. I’ve since become a mum four times and every pregnancy I thought was my impending death. I couldn’t even get up in the morning but here was Katie working a solid 18-hour day.... after day.... after day.
“I’m gonna tell him. He’s coming in today at 3pm” she told me as she plunked her ass down at the bar.
I glanced over at the booking sheet and I wasn’t sure how I managed to miss the fact daddy-to-be was coming in.
“Good luck....” I said. I was quite smug. I shouldn’t have been. Shit was about to go pear shaped.
“Can you come in with me and help me tell him?”
“Before or after you’ve banged him?” Again, I was being smug. It was like I was sitting down getting ready to watch an episode of Jerry Springer.
“Mariah, I just need your help”
“Okay okay, no worries. I’ll be there. Call me up when you’re ready.” There’s no way I was going to miss this.
The hours passed and I even missed lunch I was that excited. Right on 3pm, my buddy Pete walked in.
“GOOOOODDDDD AFTTTERRRRNOOOON PETEY BOY. How are we on this fine day?”
I don’t know what’s wrong with me but to me, exciting events like these are life’s greatest gift. I was bursting at the seams.
He seemed confused and so he ought to have been.
Katie walked out and grabbed Pete by the hand. She turned to tell me to come up in about 5 minutes. I nodded; Pete 100% thought I was coming up for a three way.
“Wait, I haven’t paid yet.” Pete pointed out
“This ones on me...” I replied... smug as.
It took about 3 minutes for Pete to come back down. Katie wasn’t with him.
“Did you know about this? Is she fucking serious? How the fuck... what the fuck?” He was panicking and rightly so. I reckon I’d be pretty fucked up if I impregnated a prostitute.
“Sorry Pete. There isn’t much I can do... or that you can do for that matter... I don’t know what else to say” my smugness turned to pity pretty fast. A few back and fourths and Katie appeared.
“Don’t you fucking come near me! Why the fuck is this happening? I now have to go home and tell my wife. My life, my marriage, it’s fucking over!!!” He stormed out. Doors slammed and off he went.
I felt for the poor guy, I won’t lie. His brain was secured in his nutsack that day and for that, I felt bad for him.
I tried to ignore the situation as best I could. Katie was still working and this guy was probably long gone - the situation just gave me a headache. It was only a few days after the great reveal that I had Katie back in the office.
“I’m bleeding...,” she told me.
“Do you need me to call an ambulance?” I was confused. Bleeding out of her vagina or...?
“I think I’ve lost the baby.” She started to cry.
I’m so bad with criers. I just can’t deal with people crying around me. I am so emotionally and socially inapt - I’m that bad that I usually just start laughing.
So I laughed.
I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t necessarily funny. In fact, I found it to be really sad. A young woman had just experienced the hurt of a miscarriage (whether that was a blessing in disguise or not, I do not know) and a man had most probably lost his marriage and his family over one of stupid mistake. And it was all in vain.
Katie left that day and never returned. And it goes without saying, I also never saw Pete again either.